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i was a unicorn. now i'm a duck. a happy duck.

Thursday, 27 November 2014


"If you could have one thing you wanted most in this world, what would it be?"

I think for one second. Then, "You."


"Because you're everything to me," I say.


I stare into those eyes. "You're my eyes for me to see," I begin. "The nose for me to smell. The ears for me to hear. The mouth for me to speak. The skin for me to touch. The tongue for me to taste. The lips for me to kiss. The music for me to listen. The air for me to breathe. You're the oxygen for my lungs. You're the one that keeps my heart beating. You're the pulse that keeps my blood flowing."

I close my eyes. "I don't know what I'd do if I ever lose you."

"Then don't."

I open my eyes. "I'm afraid I'm starting to lose you."

"Why are you running away from me?" I lean forward, tie my fingers on my knees. "I can't live without you, you know that. If you ever leave me, I'd die. I won't be able to handle anything. You'd break me, shatter me into pieces."

Those eyes stare back at me. "You're the one that lets me go."

I feel like I just got punched on the chest. "What?"

"You're losing me," she says. "You kicked me out, so I leave."

"What - I - why..." I stutter. "I never kicked you out!"

"Yes, you did. You do. Since you be friends with them. That was the day I was beaten," she spits those words like poison that sneaks in through my ears down to my heart, making it sick. "I was beaten and you let them."

"Who?" it's getting harder for me to breathe. "How?"

"Your friends. You. Your obsession over fame has blind you."

"No! You don't understand. I did that for us. For you." Something has its grip over my heart and squeezing it.

"When was the last time you ever listened to me?"

I fall silent. She only stares at me while I'm tortured. Choking. Gasping for air.

"You trade your soul for fame, Anna. It wasn't me the thing you wanted most. It was fame. And you traded me for that. I have to go to finish the deal."

"No! Anna, don't..." I stutter, spitting sounds incoherently as my heart's sickness gets worse, as my psyche leaving me.

I'm losing me as the Anna I was once turns her back on me, embracing the light she's now under, leaving me alone with this darkness I trade her for.

Saturday, 22 November 2014

dun dun dunn

I     don't       know.

I don't know what's going on, guys. I just - wait - ugh.

This is going to be some teenage drama I guess. No what wait eh wait what. NOO. Hahaha. This isn't going to be some teenage drama! More like... dilemma. But it's not a dilemma either... Mein Gott! I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ANYMORE! :'c


Sooo today it's Saturday and I have had my coffee and my brunch but I can't think. Like, I can't focus. I accidentally spelt Saturday and Saturdya and back then I just spelt it Sad just before I automatically deleted it. Like, you know, when you're already used to typing you can't make mistakes on purpose. Or at least I can't. Maybe I'm suck like on making mistakes on purpose. Maybe. Yeah maybe.


I literally didn't do that one on purpose. Oh gosh. See!? I've told you. I've told you I can't make mistakes on puporse but luckily I typed that fast so I didn't get a chance to automatically delete it and from now on I guess I'll just let all the typing mistakes show  like I'm not going to correct it just so you guys see how messed up I am.

Okay. I just sent my mom a message on BBm saying that I'm a 180 degrees of fucked up. There. I said it.

So I woke up this morning thinking it's going to be another Saturyda. Saturday. Whatever. I'm going to do the laundry and stuff and then my mom and I, we're going to hunt for a black skirt. Because that/s what I am. Black. ...No racism intended.

I haven't even write my journal in a while like I SKIPED FOUR TO FICE FIVE DAYS IN A ROW PEOPLE HOW IS THAT HEALTY. I mean HEALTHY.

I'm starting to think that the coffee I had this morning is actualy what causes this... linglungness.

If you don't speak Indonesian, look up what does "linglung": means.

I feel so like not dizzy but not weak either it's just that I don't have that much energy. I had so much energy this morning like I do the laundry and I did my makeup for tomorrow's event then I have my coffee and BAM.

My chest beh begin to hurt and I feel like my energy just WHOOSH gone in less than sixty seconds and I can't focus and I

bin eine Katasthrope.

Und ja, I just mixed English and German together.


I don't know. I just I don't know. Tomorrow I'm going to Jakarta to the Nonbar Mockingjay event held by IndoHungerGames and I felt excited last year, but not so much this year. I don't know. Maybe it's because I'm not going with any close friends. I'm not going to meet Re there (he's in college in Malang). And I'm going to meet Dita and Diza and Dhiya and Habibi and Zahra and Nuniek and every other Tribute that I know and don't buuuttt I just.

Maybe I just don't have anyone else to share the excitement this year. My mom and my step father going to drive me there and we're going at like 3:30 tomorrow but I don't have any friends I can't share the excitement with.

Kinda sad.

Sad Saturday.


I just want to curl and cry but there's no feelings.

So sad.

Sad Saturday.


Saturday, 15 November 2014

SONG REVIEW: Taylor Swift - Blank Space

Title: Blank Space
Artist: Taylor Swift
Album: 1989
Genre: Pop
Rating: 4/5

Let's be real, folks. I never really like Taylor Swift as an individual; I think she's a spoiled whiney little princess who thinks the world revolves around her. But before all the hate comes (and I know there's going to be A LOT) I must say that I am impressed with her Blank Space - both song and video. I wouldn't say that it is "genius" because there already plenty of people saying that and I'm sure you already know that but this (Blank Space) is clever.

By clicking the song title you'll be directed to another page that shows Blank Space's lyrics and there you'll see why I am fascinated with it. If you scroll down below you'll see Blank Space's music video imported from YouTube. Swift portrays herself in the way most of media portray her: a serial-dater, a psycho (ex) girlfriend. And honestly; those who think otherwise are just her Swifties.

Swift mocks the media and everyone who think she's a serial-dater and a psycho by exactly acting so. In the music video, when the poor guy come to her manor she dresses and acts all sweet and nice and for a while they live their happy ever after (Grab your passport and my hand / I can make the bad guys good for the weekend ... You're the king, baby I'm your queen / Find out what you want / Be that girl for a month) but then she caught him smiling while texting and she jumped to a conclusion that he's cheating (Wait the worst is yet to come, oh no / Screaming, crying, perfect storm / I can make all the tables turn ... Oh my God, who is she? / I get drunk on jealousy) and begin to show her true color: starting to act all extreme like shatter his clothes and cut his painting she just made around 90 seconds ago and crying and screaming and yelling and dropping his Samsung whatever to the fountain (which one of the commenters on YouTube said is actually waterproof) and trying to cut the tree where she wrote their name together like a thirteen year old girl. In this video, she's the psychotic villain and the guy is just some sweet innocent guy that did his mistake.

Ah, guys, I think I need to give Swift a standing ovation for this one.

Friday, 14 November 2014

SONG REVIEW: Sleeping With Sirens - Kick Me

Title: Kick Me
Artist: Sleeping With Sirens
Album: To Be Announced
Genre: Post-hardcore
Rating: 3.5/5

Let's be real. Kick Me's lyrics has been written again and again and again by so many different artist from so many different genres. It's about teen's angst towards the 'elders' and how they don't understand the teen's world. As a teenager, this is the kind of shit I like.

Yeaaahh I may have a really, REALLY bad taste in music, but hey, music is subjective. Compared to their latest album, Feel, this is definitely closer to the SWS I used to know (before, you know, the Feel age) even though the vocal and instruments are kinda different. By now I bet you already know I don't know what I'm talking about.

Let's talk about what I know. What I know is that this song is a GREAT IMPROVEMENT from Feel. Kick Me kinda reminds of the old days of Simple Plan where they also sing about teen's angst and disappointment and the pressure elders give us. To be honest, nothing new in this song; it's still the same from how we don't give two shits about what elders think to how they always try to kick us when we're down. But seeing that today's pop music are overall about being madly in love with boys and singing in the shower, I feel like Kick Me is a fresh air to breathe. It brings back the old school. And if you miss the old school post-hardcore kinda thing, I recommend this song for you.


Tuesday, 11 November 2014

random sleepy scenario

Knock knock. "Sir?" I peek through the door. "I'm here for my laptop."

"Oh, yeah, yeah," the teacher gestures to my laptop which connected to the projector. "We're just about to done here. Nice desktop wallpaper, by the way."

"Wallpa-" I rush and see just right there, filling my entire screen, is a photo of me and my boyfriend, taken as a selfie by Gabriel without both of us noticing. "WHAT IN-"

I speed dial Gabriel and he answers just right on the first ring. "Yellow?"


"Ah," I can hear him smiles. "You've seen it."

"Yes, I've seen it. Along with my teacher and my juniors and probably like A QUARTER POPULATION OF THE WORLD!" of course that's an exaggeration.

"Come on, it's not that bad," he pouts - well, in my head, he pouts. He sounds like he's pouting. "I picked that one 'cause it's the least gross of all - do you know that when you and Matt together you always seem to, like, want to devour one another? I'm gay and even I think that's gay. And gross."

"But why?" I cry. "Why'd you do this to me?"

"Because we're friends, sister. Friends do all that kind of stuff all the time."

"You do this to me because we're friends?" I click on the screen, trying to change the picture. "Is that what cost me to be your friend? This is not the kind of shit friends do, Gabriel! - Well, actually, maybe it is the kind of shit friends do - but that - that's not the point!"

He laughs. "You know what, I - I can't even talk to you right now. I'm really mad at you. Don't bother seeing me for couple of days because I'M GOING TO CUT YOUR DICK OFF AND SHOVE THAT UP YOUR ASS YOU MOTHERFUCKER."

As I'm shoving my phone to my pocket, I realise everyone is staring at me. "Uh," I bite my lip. "Hi?"

"Did you just threatened to shove his..." a girl blushes before she can even finish.

"Oh," I blink once. Twice. "Did I?"

Couple of heads nod. "Well shit," I say. "Because he's probably going to like it."