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i was a unicorn. now i'm a duck. a happy duck.

Wednesday, 17 December 2014

BOOK REVIEW: Beautiful Player by Christina Lauren

Title: Beautiful Player
Author: Christina Lauren
Genre: Adult, Romance
Number of Pages: 406
ISBN 13: 978-1-4767-5140-5
Language: English
Format: Paperback
Publisher: Gallery Books
Rating: 4.75


When Hanna Bergstrom receives a lecture from her overprotective brother about neglecting her social life and burying herself in grad school, she's determined to tackle his implied assignment: get out, make friends, start dating. And who better to turn her into the sultry siren every man wants than her brother's gorgeous best friend, Will Sumner, venture capitalist and unapologetic playboy?

Will takes risks for a living, but he's skeptical about this challenge of Hanna's... until the wild night his innocently seductive pupil tempts him into bed - and teaches him a thing or two about being a woman he can't forget. Now that Hanna's discovered the power of her own sex appeal, it's up to Will to prove he's the only man she'll ever need.

I don't always fall for dark haired men, but when I do, it's either Roarke or Will Sumner...

The cover lures me into this book and the synopsis sells this book to me. I thought that this book was going to be a New Adult but it turned out to be an Adult book.

A completely sexy, mind blowing, panty dropping Adult book.

The thing with Will and Hanna is their honesty towards each other and how Hanna - even though she begins to lose her grip on her own conviction throughout the book - tells Will that she wants their relationship to be just friends-with-benefits and nothing more. Will is her brother's best friend after all, not to mention he's a neatly scheduled man-whore - Tuesday night with Kitty and Saturday night with Kristy? What night would you put Hanna in? But Will would give Hanna any night she wants - hell, he'd give her every second of his life if she asks! But of course our dear Hanna is unconscious of her power over Will. And through miscommunication and conclusions and other relationship shits of course they drive both of them crazy and miserable. I do, however, love the way Will didn't turn to some kind of asshole that keeps blackmailing Hanna or saying shit about her to his friends. And to put a cherry on top of it, Will Sumner has tattoos on his body. My personal favourite is a NO on his ribcage. He said he got that one on a drunk night, extremely unimpressed with the idea of God creating Eve from Adam's rib. I, too, fall in love with the way Will let Hanna live her life without pushing her to always includes him in her every schedule. And the way Will didn't deny his feelings for Hanna - his Hanna - and being completely honest about it though his friends of course mocks him for that - he's the only one between three of them who hasn't experience love after all.
  "Ben," Max said, leaning back in his chair with a giant grin. "It's finally happened."
  I groaned, resting my head on my hand.
  "You got your period?" Bennett asked. "Congratulations."
  "No, you twat," Max said, laughing. "I'm talking about Will. He's gone arse over tits for a girl."
  A loud slap sounded in the background and I imagine Bennett's desk had just received a very enthusiastic high five. "Fantastic! Does he look miserable?"
My most favourite part of this book is, however, the sexting part.
 What are you wearing?
  I looked down at the towel around my otherwise naked chest and typed, Black jeans, yellow top, blue sweater.
 No, Ziggy. I mean *insert innuendo* WHAT ARE YOU WEARING.

  Now I really was confused. I don't get it, I typed.
 I'm sexting you.
  I paused, looked down at the phone for a few seconds before responding with What?
  He typed so much faster than I did, and his response appeared almost immediately. It's not nearly as hot when I have to explain it. New rule: you need to be at least borderline competent in the art of sexting.
  Understanding went off like a lightbulb in my head. Oh! And ha! "Sexting." Clever, Will.
 While I appreciate your enthusiasm and the fact that you think I'm witty enough to have come up with that, he replied, I didn't invent the term. It's been around in popular culture for quite some time, you know. Now, answer the question.
  I drew a total blank.
 Well, actually, I'm not dressed yet, I typed. I was standing here trying to decide if it's against the rule to go without underpants because I think my skirt shows all the lines but I hate wearing thongs.
  I stared at the phone as the little dots indicated he was replying. Shit that was pretty good kid. But don't say underpants. Or blouse. Never sexy.
 Don't make fun of me. I don't know what to say. I feel like an idiot standing here naked texting you.

  I waited.
  A few moments passed before my phone lit up again. OK. So you've obviously gotten the hang of it. Now say something dirty.
 I'm waiting.

  Oh God. Did I have time to google something? No. I searched my mind and typed the first semi-dirty think I could think of: Sometimes, when we're running and you're controlling your breathing and lost in the rhythm of it, I wonder what noises you make during sex.
  So maybe that was a bit more than semi-dirty, and for what felt like an eternity, he didn't reply. Oh God. I put my phone down, convinced that Will was going to walk away and not reply ever again. He probably wanted something playful and not so... honest.
  I walked into the bathroom, pulled a brush through my wet hair, and then piled it into a know on top of my head. In the other room, I heard my phone buzz on the desk.
 WHOA, was the first message.
  The second message: Way to just... dive on in there. OK I'm gonna need a minute. Or two.
 OMGIMSOSOEEY I typed, with stupid fumbling fingers and completely ready to climb into a hole and die. I MEAN SORRY I CANTBELIEVEISAIDTHAT
 You're kidding me, he replied. That was like Christmas.
I am more than willing to continue the sexting part till the end but my blog isn't age restricted and I'm afraid some parts of it are a bit too dirty for underage kids. But I absolutely love it wink wink.

And even though Beautiful Player is more like the third book of a series, I have no problem on following the story. But of course after what Christina Hobbs and Lauren Billings had given me, I will voluntarily spend some money on their work. The steam is worth it anyway.

Recommended for: People who loves romance, a dorky girl (Hanna has a theory about hymen restoration - and honestly, it wasn't all bad), a heart-stabbing gorgeous man, or just want a light reading with steamy hot scenes, really.

Tuesday, 2 December 2014

SONG REVIEW: Foo Fighters - Something From Nothing

Title: Something From Nothing
Artist: Foo Fighters
Album: Sonic Highways
Year: 2014

Something From Nothing is the FIRST EVER Foo Fighters' song I listened to. This track has been played every morning along with the credit title on my usual news channel. I've only listened to some of Nirvana's song but I can tell that Nirvana is a BIG influence to Foo Fighters (did I said it right? "is a big influence"? Pardon my English, Sir). Maybe it's because the Dave Grohl was Nirvana's drummer. But Foo Fighters still has something that makes them different than Nirvana and I don't know how to explain it. Personal taste, maybe.

I don't know why, but the first time I listened to Something From Nothing, I immediately remember Katniss Everdeen. Somehow this song reminds me of her accidental rebellion and how Snow threatened her. What the news channel never show me, however, is like the last one half minute where the music turned harsher, kinda like more... hardcore. Now I can't stop listening to it and... I dare to bet everyone who shares similar music taste as I do cannot either.

Well what can I say, I write poor reviews.

Contests and Giveaways!?

Guten tag everybody!

I have an interesting news. Though ini belum bener-bener official, tapi aku punya wacana untuk mengadakan kontes dan giveaway. Gimana kontesnya? Apa hadiah giveaway-nya? Belum benar-benar diputuskan, tapi satu hal yang pasti, kontes ini berhadiah utama DVD ORIGINAL THE HUNGER GAMES.


Sebenarnya DVD ini adalah hadiah yang kudapatkan dari kontes dua tahun yang lalu dari sebuah fanbase and what better way to show my gratefulness by giving it back? So yeah, DVD original ini bisa dibilang secondhand, jadi jangan harap akan sampai pada kalian wrapped nice in plastics (lol jk mungkin nanti bakal kubungkus plastik... mungkin). But it's still in a good condition, dan lengkap ada subtitle-nya pula. Dan mungkin novel The Hunger Games serta Catching Fire movie cover juga akan masuk dalam list giveaway BUT DON'T GET YOUR HOPES UP.

Stay tune for further information about the contest and giveaway. :3

Sunday, 30 November 2014

music saved lives (and still saving)

Malas baca? Dengarkan di Soundcloud. :)

Halo lagi.

Seharusnya aku sekarang namatin modul bahasa Indonesia (like man, harus ya ada tugas-tugas mandiri yang nyelip di dalem bab!? Apa Ulangan Harian, Bag II, Remidi, dan Pengayaan di akhir bab belum cukup!?) tapi ya sudahlah. Who cares. *kemudian gue dijitak Bu Yanti*

Aku baru aja balik dari video Of Mice & Men - Feels Like Forever di YouTube dan kebanyakan komen mengatakan how ridiculous it is for 12 year olds complaining and saying that this song saved their lives. That music saved their lives.


If you've been here a while, kalian bakal tahu kalau aku pernah mengalami masa-masa di mana aku hampir bunuh diri. Now I'm not saying that I'm seeking attention (like, it happens bertahun-tahun lalu jadi telat banget kan kalau baru mau caper sekarang), tapi aku hanya bersikap terbuka. Pada dasarnya, I'm an open book. Dan meskipun aku menikmati perhatian dari orang lain, people these days are so apatis dan nggak terlalu musingin hal beginian. But to all of you who've been through the same shit or going through this shit, you're not alone.

I was ten, and I was ready to took my own life. Pake apa? Gunting.

Entah kenapa kalau sekarang inget kok mau ngakak ya. Orang tuh pake silet, lah gue pake gunting. Tapi ngakak sambil nangis. Oh God what happened to me sampe aku mau bunuh diri.

"Teenagers' only problem should be losing their phone's charger."

Should. Seharusnya. God bless you, Sir, tapi sayangnya kenyataan nggak seperti itu.

Kelas lima SD, aku punya ponsel, tapi masih yang secondhand dan cuma bisa dipake SMS, telepon, main game. Tapi hilang charger bukan masalah terbesarku. Bahkan, aku gak pernah kehilangan charger (eh, apa pernah ya?). Kelas lima SD, aku di-bully secara mental.

Now what is bullying? Bullying memiliki tiga jenis yang berbeda: 1) verbal, di mana korban disakiti/dipermalukan secara verbal alias melalui kata-kata baik itu ejekan, sindiran, dan perkataan yang menyakiti lainnya; 2) fisik, di mana korban disakiti/dipermalukan secara fisik seperti dipukul, dijegal, ditampar, barangnya dirusakkan, dan tindak kekerasan fisik lainnya dan; 3) psikologis, di mana korban ditinggalkan, tidak diacuhkan, dan/atau diisolasi.

Personally, kupikir jenis ketiga adalah yang paling parah, tapi mungkin itu karena aku mengalami yang itu (aku nggak pernah dipukul - eh, yah, dipermalukan secara/melalui fisik sih pernah, tapi gak pernah sampai dipukul secara badanku paling gede mana berani). Secara verbal dan psikologis. Dan efeknya berasa sampai sekarang. Aku sering memikirkan perkataan orang lain terhadapku, menganalisis tiap lapisannya, berusaha mencari bagian yang merendahkanku. Dengan latihan dan bantuan waktu, lama kelamaan memang aku nggak lagi terlalu peduli, tapi sikap ini bagai pedang bermata dua. Di satu sisi, I don't let their words hurt me anymore tapi di sisi lain aku kurang bisa membuka diri untuk kritik, takut bakal tersakiti lagi. Padahal aku sebenarnya tau kritik mereka bermaksud baik, tapi tetep aja aku takut ngebuka gerbangnya. Aku takut bisikan-bisikan setan nan jahat itu ikut masuk.

Why did they bully me? Simpel. Karena aku beda. Ibuku membesarkanku sebagai seorang anak yang vokal dan punya opini sendiri (dan akhirnya sekarang pun kalau berantem sama Ibu pasti gak bakal jauh dari opini yang bentrok :v), dan karena di rumah nggak pernah ada yang menyuruhku "tutup mulut", di sekolah aku pun berani. Anak lain nggak begitu. Mereka nggak diperbolehkan secara bebas mengekspresikan pendapat dan perasaan mereka, bahkan bisa dibilang mereka nggak boleh berpendapat. Guru pun nggak semuanya bisa meng-handle aku. Kebanyakan akhirnya menyuruhku "tutup mulut" meski nggak secara langsung. I constantly in a battle with myself, whether or not I should speak up. Dan karena di SD-ku tiap naik kelas anak-anaknya selalu sama, I experience that for like six years. And I'm not saying that I was alone - sempat ada teman-teman yang menemani, but they always come and go. It felt like I was alone. Ibuku sibuk bekerja, pula. Sementara nenekku sibuk mengejar surganya (padahal surga nggak akan ke mana-mana kan ya). Kakakku... ah sudahlah. Kami memang nggak pernah akur. Pernah sih. Tapi waktu kami masih polos. Ceilah.

I felt like I was alone. Nobody was there for me to turn to. I lost faith in God, I lost faith in family, I lost faith in friends, I lost faith in me. Now, untuk beberapa orang mungkin masalahku sebenernya biasa aja, but just because you don't see it as a problem doesn't mean the other party doesn't. Being bullied, isolated, and walking in darkness is a problem. Losing your bobby pin is a problem. Punya keluarga yang ancur-ancuran adalah masalah. Telat dijemput pacar adalah masalah. Gak peduli sekonyol apapun itu buatmu, ingatlah bahwa nggak semua orang adalah kamu. Dan kalau kamu cukup kuat untuk melewati masalah-masalahmu, jangan malah mengecilkan masalah orang lain dan berkata, "Ah cuma gitu doang. Gue udah pernah lebih parah." Don't. You don't know. Kalau kamu cukup kuat untuk melewati fase gelap hidupmu, instead of belittling other people, why don't you extend your hands? Offer help. Because I know what it feels like being alone and man, was that suck.

"Music doesn't save your life. You did. Now stop giving other people the credit and pat yourself in the back for once."

True, Sir. Bukan Simple Plan yang menyuruhku mengurungkan niat mengiris nadiku, tapi aku. Bukan Simple Plan yang termenung dan berpikir betapa hidupku sesungguhnya berharga dan sekitar 30 orang bocah yang tidak tahu bagaimana cara melihat dari mata orang lain sesungguhnya nggak sekuat itu dalam mempengaruhiku, tapi aku. Aku yang membuat diriku sadar bahwa sesungguhnya akulah yang memiliki control over my own life. Tapi semua pemahaman itu masuk ketika aku mendengar Welcome To My Life dari radio di  kamar nenekku.

Pemahaman itu menyelam masuk dalam pikiranku saat aku mencari liriknya di Internet.

Sebuah pemahaman yang membuatku sadar, bahwa aku nggak sendirian. Dan nggak peduli seburuk apapun masalah yang kuhadapi saat itu, it'll get better. Dan aku tahu mereka nggak menulis lagu itu secara spesifik untukku, tapi aku nggak bisa nggak merasa betapa mereka begitu baik, begitu terbuka, menulis sebuah lagu untuk orang yang nggak mereka kenal, saying that "hey I know your life sucks but it'll get better and I'll be there".

It's crazy. It's crazy how music and bands and everything gives you the strength to pull through. To not give up. To look at the bright side. To say, "Fuck this shit, I'm stronger than this."

Jadi memang bukan musik yang menyelamatkan hidup orang-orang, tapi mereka sendiri dibantu oleh musik. With God's permission, the radio played Simple Plan's Welcome To My Life. With God's permission I stopped and listened to it. You weren't there. You didn't know. You didn't care. How dare you to say what and who did and didn't saved my life? You didn't know. That song saved my life, Simple Plan saved my life. I saved my life. In a funny way, they saved my life.

They gave me the strength. They gave me the courage. They inspire me. And they helped me, in a funny way.

I was broken
I was choking
I was lost
This song saved my life
I was bleeding
Stopped believing
Could have died
This song saved my life
I was down
I was drowning
But it came on just in time
This song saved my life.

You'll never know what it means to me
That I'm not alone

Contact me.
E-mail: d.armandouth@gmail.com
Skype: AdityawhXo

Saturday, 29 November 2014

du bist nich allein.

Kalau ada yang ngerasa sendirian, jangan ngerasa gitu. Kalian punya grup ini kan, jangan cuma dijadiin pelarian. Biarin dikatain curhat mulu atau baper mulu :-) don't keep your troubles to yourself. Mungkin aku gak kenal kalian secara dekat, lagian aku anak baru. Tapi kalian pasti punya orang lain yang mau denger kalian. Plis jangan ngerasa sendirian. Banyak orang yang mau bantu kalau kalian minta. AKU mau bantu. Jangan jadi sakitin diri sendiri.
Dan yang cukup kuat, please extend your hand. Banyak orang yang diam-diam nangis, diam-diam kesakitan. Kalau kalian gak bisa/gak mau bantu, minimal jangan tambah luka mereka. Stop. Udah cukup banyak orang yang menjerit minta tolong tanpa terdengar. Jangan tambahkan lagi.

Itu barusan pidato dadakanku di sebuah grup. Pemicunya? DP seorang temanku di BBM.

Noooo DP dia baik-baik saja, cuma gambar cewek dari anime/manga dengan tulisan Hiragana yang cuma bisa kubaca beberapa kata. IYEEEE JEPANG GUE PAYAH UDAH GAK USAH DIINGETIN.

Tapi, dari yang kutahu darinya, dia mengidap depresi. Entah tingkat berapa, tapi mungkin antara tingkat satu sampai dua. Mungkin tingkat satu. Mungkin tingkat dua. Semoga bukan tingkat dua. Dan dia tuh setahuku udah lama banget, like, punya masalah yang dia pendem. Pendem aja terus dipendem. Dia juga pernah suka nyayat dirinya sendiri. Kadang di paha. Kadang di lengan. Satu kali, dia bikin gambar anak kucing pakai silet di bagian dalam lengan kirinya. Aku ingat itu. Gambarnya detil, dipenuhi titik-titik darah. Mungkin bagi sebagian orang, dia attention seeker. Tapi bagiku, itu jeritan permintaan tolongnya. Sebuah jeritan yang mengatakan, "Aku sakit! Apa kalian nggak akan datang dan setidaknya berusaha menanyakan keadaanku?"

Dia juga dulu suka mimisan. Kalau sudah mimisan, bisa banyaaaak banget. Bisa berlembar-lembar tisu habis dan bahkan menetes sampai ke lantai.

Dulu. Entah sekarang. Semoga sekarang udah jauh lebih baik.

Dan kenapa aku ngomong begini?

Karena meski aku mengartikan tindakan-tindakannya sebagai sebuah upaya minta tolong, I did nothing. Aku gak ngapa-ngapain. Aku cuma duduk diam, ngeliatin titik-titik darah yang membentuk seekor anak kucing di lengan dalamnya yang kurus, dan terbelah antara rasa ngeri dan takjub. Ngeri, karena aku tidak mengerti kok ada orang yang mau menyakiti dirinya sendiri sedemikian rupa. Takjub, karena aku tidak tahu bagaimana dia bisa menahan rasa sakit demi menciptakan sebuah bentuk yang begitu detail.

Dulu aku pernah mengalami masa-masa yang kusebut dark days. Masa-masa aku nggak percaya sama orang lain dan gak mau percaya sama orang lain. Masa ketika aku merasa aku telah dikhianati dan orang lain hanya akan melakukan hal yang sama. Masa ketika aku gak percaya bahwa Tuhan itu ada dan mereka yang berbahagia hanyalah sekumpulan orang tolol yang nggak ngerti penderitaan hidup. Tapi aku gak pernah menyakiti diriku secara fisik. Sebaliknya, aku menyakiti diriku secara mental. Dan akibatnya, I constantly in a war with myself. Perasaan yang buruk. Seolah di dalam, aku terbelah menjadi dua dan masing-masing memperjuangkan apa yang mereka anggap benar. The hardest battle of all was whether or not I am worthy.

When it comes to physique, aku lebih memilih untuk bunuh diri saja sekalian. Let's not go with all the details tapi intinya akhirnya aku menemukan jalan keluar. Aku melihat sebuah cahaya dan sebuah tali untukku berpegangan dan tangan-tangan yang telah begitu lama menawarkan bantuan, namun tak pernah kuhiraukan.

Dengan sangat menyesal aku harus mengatakan bahwa "pencerahan" yang kualami tidak bersifat spiritual. Maaf kalau aku bikin kalian kecewa.

Ibuku adalah salah satu tangan yang selalu siap menolongku, tapi sayangnya, kebanyakan orang-orang yang kutemui tidak mendapatkan chemistry yang sama dengan ibu mereka. Aku beruntung, ibuku tidak melupakan masa mudanya, masa ketika ia juga merasa hilang arah, salah tempat, dan tidak diinginkan. Masa yang, menurut psikologku, nyaris semua remaja mengalaminya. Semua orang mengalaminya; mayoritas pada masa remaja. Ibuku mau mendengarkan segala keluh kesahku, meski kadang dengan menyebalkan.

Nggak semua orang seberuntung aku. Aku tahu itu. Oleh karena itu, aku menawarkan diri untuk membantu. Banyak orang yang mau membantu, all you have to do is just ask. Seringkali kita mengabaikan tangan-tangan yang telah terulur, menunggumu menerimanya. Aku nggak bisa janji aku akan mengerti, karena banyak hal yang aku nggak mengerti (like, aku aja gak ngerti kenapa aku random banget apalagi...). Tapi aku janji aku mau mendengarkan (atau baca...). Aku janji nggak akan menganggap remeh masalahmu. Dan aku janji untuk membantu semampuku.

Du bist nich allein.
You are not alone.

Kalau kalian merasa ingin curhat denganku, aku terima kok. :)
E-mail: d.armandouth@gmail.com
Skype: AdityawhXo