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i was a unicorn. now i'm a duck. a happy duck.

Saturday, 23 May 2015

This Is A Goodbye

This is a goodbye.
You've all been so good to me,
So kind,
So I guess I will set this properly.

If you are reading this,
I want you to know that
I loved you
(And possibly still do.)

But I can't anymore
So if you are reading this,
I guess this is it.

I quit.

I quit and
I quit and
I quit
And I quit


Kuharap pesannya sudah cukup jelas. I hope the message is clear enough. Aku berhenti blogging. I quit blogging. Meski mungkin kalian sudah bisa menduganya, mengingat tulisan terakhir adalah bulan lalu. Even though maybe you could've already guessed it, since the last post was last month. Tapi sebelumnya aku masih membuka kemungkinan diriku kembali ke sini. But before I was still open to the possibility of me coming back. Dan aku memang kembali. And I did come back. Untuk mengucapkan selamat tinggal. To say goodbye.

Aku memutuskan untuk berhenti karena alasan-alasan pribadi. I decided to quit due to personal reasons. Aku tidak mengenal kalian sama sekali, tapi kalau kalian secara reguler datang mengunjungi blogku untuk membaca tulisan-tulisanku, terima kasih. I don't know you guys at all, but if you're coming to my blog frequently to read all my ramblings, thank you. Dan kuharap kalian tidak akan merindukanku. And I hope you're not going to miss me.

This is it. Thank you. So long, and good night.

Saturday, 25 April 2015

I find the idea of people who knows me reading what I write is quite terrifying these days.

And probably, that's why I haven't written anything here. I just don't want to be read as me. I want to write something and people who read it just be like oh yeah somebody wrote this haha fun.

I also kind of dream about my sanctuary more and more lately that I really consider opening a new bank account where I'll just transfer some of my money monthly to that account and use it someday to get a new place for myself. Unfortunately I can't be done until at least when I'm 17 and that's not so long anymore so there's that I guess.

I don't know. It's just that I want to get away from something. Someone. Start new. Not me.

so bye.

Wednesday, 15 April 2015

"Remembering Sunday"

he woke up from dream and then put on his shoes
started making his way past two in the morning
he hasn't been sober for days

leaning now into the breeze
remembering sunday
he falls to his knees
they had breakfast together
but two eggs don't last like the feeling of what he needs

now this place seems familiar to him
she pulled out his hand with the devilish grin
she led him upstairs
she led him upstairs
left him dying to get it

forgive me i'm trying to find
my calling i'm calling at night
i don't meant to be a bother but
have you seen this girl?

she's been running through my dreams
and it's driving me crazy it seems
i'm going to ask her to marry me

even though she doesn't believe in love
he's determined to call her bluff
who could deny these butterflies
that filling his gut?

waking the neighbours
unfamiliar faces
he pleads though
he tries
but he's only denied
now he's dying to get inside

forgive me i'm trying to find
my calling
i'm calling at night
i don't mean to be a bother but
have you seen this girl?

she's been running through my dreams
and it's driving me crazy it seems
i'm going to ask her to marry me

the neigbour said she moved away
funny how it rained all day
i didn't think much of it then
but it starting to all make sense
oh i can see now
that all of these clouds are
following me in my desperate endeavour
to find my whoever
wherever she may be

i'm not coming back
i've done something so terrible
i'm terrified to speak
but you'd expect that from me
i'm mixed up i'll be blunt now the rain is
washing you out of my hair
and out of my mind
keeping an eye of the world
from so many thousands of feet off the ground
i'm over you now i'm at home in the clouds
towering over your head

i guess i'll go home now
i guess i'll go home now
i guess i'll go home now
i guess i'll go home.
there is this ache.

right here. *points heart*

but also here. *touches right side of bottom lip*

and here. *rubs the back of neck*

it's still bearable. but maybe won't for long.

maybe i can't wait until i get 21.

maybe i can't even wait until i graduate.

who knows.

i wish...

Sunday, 29 March 2015


So tomorrow school begins, and I find it quite frustrating to me. It's not that I've hadn't had enough holiday for a week; I had a 'good' holiday, rather pleasant, so there is actually no reason for me to feel devastated at all upon the fact that tomorrow is Monday and this is the last day of my holiday. It's just that I find the idea of meeting people I rather dislike or even straightforward frown upon is quite unappealing. And the ridiculous idea about the curriculum is also not very interesting to me. I still don't get it why am I forced to learn something that I don't really care about and probably won't even applied in my life, not even once. School is about learning, yes. But you can't throw some shit on us then wondering why the intellectual rate hasn't raised. You give us bullshit and we'll give you crap as a response. That's how it works.

Yes, it is true that I don't know what will and what will not applied in my future - maybe I will work in some farm where hydroponics are the main attention and shit, but I don't think that I need to learn that through the formal way: school. You can't decide what we should and should not learn in school then wonder why we can't make our own decision. I think everyone should decide themselves what they want to learn. True, in Indonesia, now the high schools have three majors: science (IPA/MIA), social science (IPS/IIS), and language (Bahasa/IBB) [limited to few schools only] but there are also other subjects that we are forced to learn whether we like it or not. I'll be blunt: I don't give two shits about religion; who you are is defined by how you act, regardless what's your belief or even if you're an atheist or a theist. I don't care. But yet I am forced to learn about my religion in such manners that it turns my curiosity off. I mean, yeah, I get it, the majority of people in this country are Muslims and even if not so, majority of people still believe that religion is what most matters (and they're not wrong, too) but do you really have to shove that on my face? Along with botany stuff and all the laws and unrealistic idealism and highlighted glory of our history and complex mathematics that are actually quite unnecessary and how to light a lightbulb? Dude, there are these dudes working as what we call electricians! Sure it'll be a nice thing to practice on zombie apocalypse but do I really need to know all the numbers? (answer: yes)

No, I don't hate school. I know some cool people only school was capable of making our paths crossed and I know some cool teachers and some cool stuff to do along with some other cool lessons to learn. I just hate the fact that I have limited to none choice of what I want to learn in school. And the tests! I can be a genius in art but you'll never know that because I can't find its X and I don't know Y.

I love that algebra pun, by the way.

School starts in nine hours forty minutes. Let me drown in tears of desperation by.e