Rest in peace, Thomas Flecher Duse. Unknown time. Unknown day. At March, 2012.

Galau tingkat tinggi.
First of all, Tommy meninggal. Dan aku baru tau siang tadi. Siapa itu Tommy? Seorang teman lama. And let's say he's my ex-crush (gak pernah jadian sih), but he's my old friend. Dan aku cukup menyukainya. I used to love him too, tapi aku udah lama gak ngobrol sama dia, dan perlahan-lahan rasa sayang itu menghilang. Well, apa mau dikata, kenyataannya Tommy tidak terlalu dalam masuk ke dalam hidupku. Tapi saat tahu dia sudah tidak ada... rasa sedihnya kentara sekali.
Second of all, Alex mengunci akunnya. Maksudku, dia membuat tipe akunnya menjadi private. Selain followers tidak bisa melihat aktivitasnya. And it hurts. Apalagi saat ini yang mau aku lakukan adalah menghiburnya. Tapi Alex gak ngasih aku kesempatan untuk itu. So hurts. Dan aku masih yakin bahwa Alex benci sama aku. Very so hurts. Jadi aku gak bisa bilang sama Alex betapa aku turut berdukacita atas kepergian Tommy. Pretty super very extra so hurts.

Aku sedih. Aku gak bisa ngomong langsung sama orangnya, jadi kutulis di sini, in hopes that he'll read what I wrote. Aku gak bisa bilang sama Alex betapa sejujurnya aku menyesali apa yang sudah terjadi pada kami. Dan ditambah pula dengan ini. Just like what Katy Perry said, "All this money can't buy me a time machine." Yeah. Kalau Katy yang punya uang banyak banget aja gak bisa beli sebuah mesin waktu, apalagi aku. Tapi seandainya saja bisa, maka aku akan memutar waktu tepat pada saat aku membobol akunnya, di bagian awal-awal and I could stop myself. Kenapa gak dari awal banget aja, dari sejak aku gak ngebobol akun Alex? Karena kalau seperti itu rasa penasaranku tidak akan terpuaskan, dan aku tahu betul seberbahaya apa kalau aku penasaran. Sangat berbahaya. I could, even, maybe do something worse than what I've done. Jadi cukup cuma sampai aku bikin Alex bingung, then I'll get outta there. Tapi aku gak punya uang untuk beli mesin waktu, nor the time machine does exist. All I can do is regretting what I have done, curse myself, and keep thinking, "What if... What if... What if..."

Aku sayang banget sama Alex. Karena--kurasa aku udah pernah bilang--ada tiga orang yang kuanggap kakak sendiri. Yang satu meninggal (William), dan yang satu entah marah entah benci padaku (Daniel). Only Alex left. And by my own stupidity, I make him gone. Not that way "gone" like Will, but the other way "gone". Hey, suicide is a horrible thing, dan agama melarangnya! Meskipun Alex seorang mualaf, aku cukup yakin dia mengikuti ajaran Islam dengan baik dan benar. Lagian, emang ada gitu, agama yang memperbolehkan seseorang bunuh diri? Perasaan gak ada deh ya. Jadi "gone" di sini adalah pergi meninggalkan aku. Aku ingat pernah bilang bahwa Alex gak adil, dan aku masih berpikir begitu, meskipun bukan tipe gak adil yang gak bisa dipikirkan secara baik-baik. Jarang sekali ada orang yang setelah dikhianati masih mau mendengar penjelasan dari si pengkhianat. But I do wish that he was tried to listen to me. Or at least read what I feel. Please, Alexander J.A Way, if you're reading this, please, please, please, please, I beg you; give me a second chance. I know that you're not God, Who can always forgive. You're just human, just like me. But God never leaves It creations or friends (I mean, people who really loves God. They can be counted as It friends, aren't they?). God just always with them. God always give people second--hell, THIRD even--chances. Will you give me? I'm not asking for third, fourth, or fifth chance. Just a single second chance. That's it. I will try my best for being better me. Why? Why do I so stubborn about this problem? Simple answer.

Because I love you. I was too coward to tell you the truth, so I just told Thata, know that she'll let you know. But I just love you too much to keep lying to you. And I just selfish enough to never let you go. Always, Alex, you are my brother and I love you. I can't say "forever", I don't really believe in that one word. But, Alexander, PLEASE, if you're reading this, try to forgive me and forget the past. Or at least move on. You can always unblock me on Twitter. You don't have to let me know. Every time I open my Twitter account, I always trying to follow you again (always started with "pleaseee =)" then ended up with "=(((((("). Please, brother. Please. I've got too much things left to say to you. And I miss you. So much, much, much til it hurts. I don't know how to tell you how sorry I am (am, not have or was). About the hacking. About Tommy. Even about your maybe-ex-already girlfriend (yeah, I know about her). I just want to cheer you up. Because that's what family do.

Alright, so now, you may think, "What family do isn't hacking each other accounts." True. But I was just too stupid to know that. Now I'm smarter than before. I would do ANYTHING only to make you forgive me and want to talk with me again. Many "love you", "I'm sorry", and "please" words would never even close to what I feel. I just want to talk to you. To cheer you up. To make you smile. To tease you sometimes, too. I'm your sister (or at least I thought I am). That's what sisters do.

Blood doesn't always make families, either families could made by blood. Sometimes, people who doesn't related to you by blood, can be your families. And sometimes, people who does related to you by blood, can't be your families. Depending how they act and treat you. But families will stand by your side. Always. Until their last breath.