Why is it always so much easier to love the thought of someone instead of loving who they really are? Guess that it's my problem; I fell in love too much but only with the thought of someone. Kind of distracting since I usually made them up. I ditch the imperfections and make them perfect. I made a story for each and every one of them. I made them family, personality, and things they like that probably they even hate. I have a troubled youth, but seems like most of the "troubles" came from me.
You isn't supposed to love the thought of someone. That doesn't fair, but again, the life itself doesn't did a fair favor to all of us, so why bother? Go ahead; love the thought of everyone. You don't have to really love them; you only love the thought of them. That means you don't really know them, yes? And that is so far easier, especially when you don't planning on knowing them more. Because once you're in love with the thought of them the truth might just break your heart into pieces. That's a metaphor. But it could be literal. Depends on you.
What else. Oh. Yeah. I had a crush on many people? Yes, but I had crushes on fictional characters more than I had crushes on real people. Now. My current problem is there is a bug that keeps bugging me. Well, why, of course. He's a bug; a bug's job is to bug. And I enjoy bugging people? But, I don't really like being bugged. Because that's just distracting. And annoying. And just really a pain in the ass.
The question is, who is he, and how did he bug me? Well I wouldn't answer the first question because there is a zero chance of him reading this and that just really awe in my heart and that made me disappointed and why the hell am I talking about this anyway I wouldn't tell you who because my other seniors probably reads my blog and just voila he could know.
And I couldn't bear that just yet.
And how did he bug me? Simple. He showed his goddamn fucking face to me couple of times and invaded my mind. He. Just. Asked. Me. To. Rip. His. Heart. Out.
Oh, and get this. He loves psychotics thingy. Isn't that lovely? NO. He is a sick sadist with bullshit. He's an alien, for he invaded my mind. Oh, why why why. Dear oh dear. Don't you think that it's sweet? That God doesn't think my pain is just enough? He sent me a piece of walking meat that doesn't even recognize me. See, I told you that he is lovely. Oh my. Ooooh my. There should me a law about invading someone's mind; one should make that illegal to do and deserves punishment like prison serving. You get what I mean? Prison serving? Ha ha ha.
I've had enough of things like this. I've had enough of thinking about things that would never happen in a zillion years. I've had enough of seeing from a safe distance, don't know whether it was me too afraid or do I know my own limits. I've had enough of crying myself to sleep. I've had enough of noticing someone who doesn't even know that I exist. I've had enough of it all.
But then again, guess that I'm a masochist. I hold on to pains. I cut myself into pieces (no darling not literally). I waste my tears for things that's not even worth my shit. But it's worth it. But it isn't. No I just don't know. Oh why why why why why and how how how the fuck am I getting into things like this I hate this I hate this I hate this I love it I hate this I love it I love it I love the feeling I love the pain I hate the pain I hate myself I don't know what to do I don't know what I'm getting into I know what I'm getting into and I love it and I hate it.
Who says that being a teenager is simple? Whoever said that what teenagers do are only playing and hanging out and making friends are the people who live in the cave with no Internet connection with their brain already been sucked out from their ears because they are so stupid stupid stupid stupid and such an idiot.
I remember his smile. Their smiles. Both when I told them how good they are on things they're currently doing. But their smiles are so different that oh my God does it makes me a slut for having crush on two guys but hell some girls fuck with two and more guys and here I am just having crush on two guys so I guess that I'm fine and I'm not a slut probably just a sassy bitch okay.
Am I okay?
No I'm not.
I'm so fucked up. This shitty alien; he invaded my mind without permission like hey there's a brain let's land there and bug that girl it'll be fun.
And most girls would probably just... I don't know. Trying to get his attention? Nah. I'm not the Drop My Bag And Bite My Lip While Twirling My Hair And Look At You With Puppy Eyes Asking For Help type. Well I twirl my hair, but not to get guys' attention. And sometimes I drop my bag, but only because it's too heavy I can't deal with it anymore or my shoulder would probably fall off. So what the fuck should I do. I just can't walk up then shoo him like hell it'll be very weird. Remember the girl who wrote the letter that I published once in my blog? Well I know exactly how she feels. Just. Being bugged and mind invaded by a man is just so ugh and even more ugh when they don't even meant to do it. Double ugh. Like I said before, he doesn't even know that I exist. Even if he knew, he doesn't know my name. Oh, he did spoke to me once. Well, maybe twice. But I'm so pathetic I still remember those convos and he's probably more like oh what wait what did I ever talk to you.
Shit happens.
I hate this.
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