Not What I Thought

You know that sometimes, no matter how hard you try to convince yourself, that you're different, you're unique in your own way, you still can't help but to feel like you're so tiny, and small, and just doesn't mean a thing to the world.

Maybe this isn't much. Maybe, maybe I took it way more than I should have. Or just maybe, my expectation and judgment about myself is just either too low or too high.

I started this day feeling rather bubbly. It all began when a Twitter friend of mine tweeted me last night, "DILA OMG I WANNA TELL YOU SOMETHING".

Despite the misspelling of my name (again...), I was curious. So I replied with, "wat" but she didn't tweeted me again. This morning, when I saw her tweeting, I quickly told her, "I thought you wanted to tell me something?"

"Oh right I forgot. Remember when I asked you if you have WhatsApp?"

"Yea," I said, "and I told you no?"

"Yeah and then I realized youre damn popular cause we talked about you once lololol"

I was all like, "WHAT" with a big, confused, also amused, grin on my face.

Here's the thing: I know that many people know me, and it's not because I have GREAT personalities or likes to hangout or I'm a queen bee or things like that. Nor that I'm popular because I'm like the emo kid or the goth girl or just those who really stands out. I like to think that I'm standing out of the box but sometimes it's just that I'm trying to convince myself. And also there are other times where I just want to jump into that boring normal called box.

What makes me popular is, I think, rather than have a big group of friends I go everywhere with, I have small group of friends here and there. Like in my school (exclude my own classmates), I have like two friends in that class and three friends in that class. Also another one in the class over there and other four in the class over here. And they're just friends. Imagine the acquaintances who knows me from like extracurricular or projects they're doing or other things. So yeah, I know that I'm popular if popular means many people knows my name.

But this morning.

When Dhiya, my Twitter friend, told me they talked about me once in the WA group, I feel... I don't know what I feel. Amused? Honoured? Gigglish? Weird? I don't know. But one thing I know for sure, it probably didn't go like this:

"Hey"
"Hey"
"Hey you guys know Dilla?"
"YES OMG"
"OMG SHE'S MY FRIEND HOW DID YOU KNOW HER"
"IDK when I found her I just feel like damn I'm lucky"
"i know right"
"She's awesome"
"Even beyond awesome"
"She's just so great and fun to talk with"
"And to fangirl with lmao"
"I finally met up with her last year and that was the best time of my entire life"

Okay, so maybe I exaggerating a bit, but hey, everyone can dream, right? But I'm sure they didn't talk about me THAT way because that's just so strange aaaand mostly because I act like "a retarded bitch" all the time.

I'm being serious.

But, well, being "popular" on a WA group where you're not even a member (I don't have any chatting app aside Blackberry Messenger) is clearly not something to brag and be proud about because I imagine the members are mostly just my other Twitter friends and if that's so then WELL HELL YEAH OF COURSE I'M POPULAR they all know me.

But the way Dhiya told me, I just.... like..... wow. How could some people waste their precious time just to talk about ME? Like, naw I'm not that special but thank you hohoho.

It's just good to be reminded how matter you are to the world, even if you're just the smallest part of it. Sure, if they didn't talk about me they'll just talk about something else. But it still feels good to know. That someone knows me and kind of happy enough to then mention me when they're chatting with other people. Or kind enough to remember me.

Now it feels like a big responsibility for me to not turn them down when we meet in person.